The Perfect Plan

We've all fantasized about it. Winning the lottery or being the sole heir to a long lost relative's stash of cash. Life would change and everything would be perfect. We'd have it all. The maids, the cooks, the gigantic house with multiple swimming pools. The travel, the adventure, the luxury.

But really, what if I did suddenly find myself the surprised recipient of millions and millions of dollars?

The scenerio often runs through my daydreams but until just recently my flights of fancy never took me any place but the mundane. Then an idea struck me so hard that I haven't been able to get it out of my head. If I won the lottery I would immediately hire a personal tailor! I'd be happy to forgo the ten-bedroom, five-bath, three-swimming pool mansion if it meant I could have cute, flattering clothing.

Illustration by Penelope

I told my husband all about my marvelous new plan, but he just gave me a strange look. I told the gal cutting my latest batch of quilt fabric at Jo-Ann's and she asked why I didn't just learn to sew my own clothes. I told my mom and she thought I was brilliant. Moms always understand, don't they?

I look in my closet and all I see is a drab mish-mash of not-quite-horrible fat lady clothes. I go to the stores and drool over the cute clothes in the "normal people" section, then sadly shuffle over to the "woman's" section and fight my way through the puke-inducing florals and fat-enhancing horizontal stripes. A successful hunting trip might net me three or four items that don't look like they are direct from an old lady's yard sale. I hesitantly hand over cash for clothes I don't really like while dreaming about a store that sells clothes that aren't a compromise--clothes that I like. What a concept.

I know, I know. Eat less, exercise more, and I could wear the cute little chickadee clothes that I dream about. I'm doing it. I've lost a lot of weight in the past three years. Sometimes I can even manage to fit into a larger sized "normal" person shirt. I am working toward my goal of a smaller body, but in the meantime perfectly tailored, made-to-order cute clothes would be a dream come true.

If I were smart, I would learn to sew. I've ventured into the world of patterns and straight pins, but I'm simply not that great at details. Quilts I can do. A little bobble here and a burble there look ok on a quilt. "Authentic" and "handmade" are desirable attributes for folk art projects. I don't want my clothes to have that down-home look. I want sophistication and cuteness all rolled into one. Accidental asymmetry is not a look that I plan on popularizing.

What's a girl to do? At this point I'm just sitting around dreaming of my lottery winnings. Do you think it would help if I actually bought a ticket once in a while? If I won, I'd do all my sisters in flab a favor and create my own affordable line of fat chic. I'd make millions!

Fashion designers, are you listening?