This Is Life

by Bosten

"I wanna end it."

As soon as I heard those words I felt like the floor was being pulled from under me and I was falling down thousands of feet onto the sharpest rock in the pit fire of hell. I couldn't believe what she had just said. I thought she was joking and asked her "what?" and she said again " I wanna end it."

I couldn't understand what she meant. We were supposed to get married in about a month, and this girl I had loved for the past three-and-a-half years all of sudden wanted to end everything? I tried to reason with her, tried to convince her that if she was worried about the wedding, that was normal. If she was worried about getting married at an early age, then maybe she was right and that I'm not ready either, and we should postpone it. I begged her not to break up the beautiful thing that we had, telling her that if we just stayed together we would be able to work out everything. She said she had to be stubborn about this decision and hung up.

It's going to be a whole year at the end of this month since that conversation took place. I finally moved on after nine gruesome months. Part of the reason I've been down for such a long time is the death of my mother, but a huge part of it is because I loved that girl so intensely. I don't miss her so much these days; now I miss the pain of missing her. If you have ever been in my situation then you know that missing someone becomes a part of your life. And until you yourself decide to move on, you will always have that feeling inside of you.

Ever since we broke up, I guess good things have been happening to the both of us. I got promoted in my company, met some interesting people, made new friends, started jogging. Lately I've even been working out. I have finally gotten to the same pace that I was at before I met her, which would be a combination of college life mixed with work life. Meaning I work hard and party harder. I no longer fear just talking to girls; when I was with her I was afraid that if she found out I talked to a girl she might get upset. She was very possessive just like me! But even though I'm much happier than I have been in the past year, I still wonder what if?

What if I was still with her? Would I be happy, as I used to imagine I would be? Or would I be miserable because of what she turned out to be?

What if we would have gotten married? I would have been 26 and she 20. We would have gotten married in the US, and then moved to Bath, England after a few months. Bath would be a completely new place for both of us, as she was from the Netherlands. I probably would not have brought much money with me, and I don't know what she would have with her. We would not know anyone in Bath, we would probably rent a small apartment, then spend as little as possible to decorate it. I know she would always be after me not to spend too much on anything until I found a good job and she graduated. I know how we would talk negatively about everything, as we wouldn't have many material goods. I know we both would have to forego a lot just to make sure we had the basic necessities.

At this point, two things could happen. One, she would turn out to be the insensitive, inconsiderate, selfish woman that I always saw a hint of, which means that most of my life would be spent trying to make her happy. I would have to listen to her nag about anything and everything. I would never get a chance to complain about my life or something as small as my day at work. And she would probably leave me within a couple of years to pursue her career saying, and I quote, "I want to spread my wings and fly, and you are just holding me down."

The other possible outcome would be what I always used to fantasize about. Which means that no matter how small our apartment, it would be cozy. She would decorate it. I always loved her ideas for using the simplest things to make something big and wonderful. I do give her points for imagination. If we didn't make friends in the new country, that would have been perfectly okay with the both of us. We are both kind of recluivse and love each other's company. We would both eventually find good jobs, as we are both very ambitious. Most of all, I would be the happiest person in the world, because I would be with the person I love. I know that I wouldn't change much and I would spend as much as I feel like, and spoil her too, because I had a small savings back in the U.S. I also know that she would be very happy with me, but what I don't know is whether or not she would be in love with me.

I still don't know if she ever loved me or not. Was she just playing with me? If yes, then why did she ask me to get engaged to her and then propose that we get married? I guess the signs were always there that this relationship would never work out, but I was too blind to see them. And now all I have is a negative question that I ask myself whenever I drink, WHAT IF?

I'm going to end by quoting a lyric from U2. Why? Because I always do, and for some reason it always seems to make sense no matter what topic you are talking about.

"Have you come here for forgiveness? Have you come here to raise the dead? Have you come here to play Jesus To the lepers in your head?"