Look to the Squirrels for the Answer

by Susan Griffin

Have you ever watched a squirrel cross the road? They are very plentiful here in North Georgia and very often lose their lives on the roads. These cute and furry rodents would be fine most of the time if they would just choose a direction in which to run and go with it. If they would just decide to cross the road and then cross it without looking back, most of them would reach the other side without incident. But the squirrels seem to have a genetic fatal flaw: they doubt themselves. When they get part of the way into the road, they sometimes stop altogether and turn to look back. Unfortunately this is when many of them are flattened by cars. If only they hadn't asked, "What if I go back across the road that way?" they would be okay.

Much like those indecisive little squirrels, I always find myself insecure about decisions I have made or am about to make. I think I come by this behavior honestly; my mother always second-guessed her divorce from my father, even years after the fact. I always felt compelled to assure her that she had done what she thought was best and that I personally thought she made the right decision. I think the acquisition of cable tv and pizza delivery might have influenced my opinions on the matter, but hey, I was only thirteen or so.

As I grew up, it became habitual for me to agonize over decisions I had already made. I would ponder the possibilities of what might have been. When I walked away from college without graduating I immediately started second-guessing my actions. I felt compelled to defend what I had done in wavering tones; I am sure it sounded more like I was trying to convince myself that quitting school was acceptable. I continued to beat myself up over what I had done and started to see myself as someone who did not deserve to be trusted to make the right choices. Ever like the squirrel, I did not trust myself and kept darting back and forth over the same patch of road.

Still doubting myself, I grew into an unsure young woman who was always turned toward the past instead of looking at my present situation or my many future possibilities. I have only recently been able to shake free of this fog of insecurity and start to make efforts to put the past behind me. And even though my progress is slow, I feel more and more sure of myself with every decision I make without questioning it afterwards.

I am trying to increase my confidence by thinking of the squirrels. I don't know that a flat squirrel on the road has any cosmic significance, but it kind of works for me somehow. It helps me to not question decisions that I know are right. It even helps me to be more confident about decisions I am unsure about. So I look to the squirrels for the answer. And instead of asking "What if?" I try to forge ahead and make it across that road.

My husband and I recently decided to move to his hometown to be closer to his family. I am not close with any of my relatives but really love his mom and dad, as well as his sister and her two beautiful children. We made this decision not based on financial gain but based on a desire to be closer to people who are really important to us. We want to see our niece and nephew grow up. We have reached the age when it is really cool to have parents and we want to be able to help them in any way we can. (And yes, we want to be available for them in case they want to spoil us a little!) Basically, we want to be part of a family.

We took almost a year to finally make this decision. We kept changing our minds about it. While the timing would have been the same due to our lease and because we were in the middle of planning our wedding, we wasted a lot of energy trying to make plans that didn't feel right so that our current situation would work. Thank goodness that we eventually realized that whenever we talked about making our current situation work we would get completely stressed out. If we mentioned moving back to my husband's hometown, I would immediately feel calm assurance inside. Finally I suggested that we really consider moving away from the current dead-end situation we had inadvertently built for ourselves. Once we started thinking in that direction and not looking back, everything started to fall into place.

Lately I've been nervous about the move. I know that it's the right thing to do. I am not doubtful about my decision to leave the town I have haltingly called "home" for the last fifteen years. But, perhaps like the squirrels, I don't know what is going to happen when I cross the road. I don't know what it's like on the other side of the road. I won't know where to get the best pizza once I get there. I can't rush over to my friends' desks when something funny happens at work. It's all new and unknown and scary. Just like the other side of the road probably is to that squirrel who turns back to the safety of the side of the road that is familiar.

I understand why the squirrels scurry back and forth, not able to decide between territory they have covered and the land that they do not know. When I left school it was easier for me to continue to believe I was unworthy of a promising future than to actually do something new to achieve that promise. I have often chosen a situation that is familiar, even if it is terrible, instead of having to deal with something new and unknown. But I don't want to end up flat in the middle of the road. I am determined to press on, cross that road, and find out what is on the other side. I am ready to take the chance of running full speed toward a goal that is not completely planned out. And I will run. I will go with confidence and surety, thinking of the squirrels and the lesson they helped me learn.