Medical Authority

People who know me in person know that I really dislike misinformation. Far worse than an uninformed person is a person who is misinformed. And a person significantly worsens my faith in him or her if he or she disseminates misinformation. But what is misinformation? How do I know what is really true? How is my source of information better than anyone else's? Well, for one thing, my source of information is usually more akin to a major world media source than, for example, to Parade Magazine.

Or maybe I'm just a snob. It's been suggested.

Chileans love to give each other advice. There's always someone somewhere who wants to tell you how her sister's brother-in-law was in a simliar situation that led to the loss of a pinky toe. Or something equally relevant. Chileans are great at doling out medical advice. Good, bad and just plain bizarre. Take for example the causes of illness. Going out with wet hair? You'll get sick! And not just any kind of sick, but specifically, you will get a sinus infection! Eating watermelon and drinking water at the same time? Causes bloat. Did you see what happened to that kid in Willy Wonka? Mix melon and water, and you're next. End of story. A cool breeze will give you a cold, or a pulled muscle. Do not enter a warm place from a cool environment. You will get sick. Sick, I tell you! Sick! And forget about taking a shower if you have your period. This causes an unspecified but very serious illness. I am telling you, do not try this at home. Or anywhere for that matter.

I listen to the advice, to the old wives' tales about how people get ill. I have been known (daily, pretty much) to go out with wet hair. No sinus infection yet. Cold to warm? You betcha? Warm to cold? That too. Mid-menstrual-cycle showering? Yes, please. I have my own theory of what causes illnesses. Technically, it's not my theory, but all the same, I'm hoping it will catch on here in Chile. You see, there are these microscopic things called viruses, and they are transmitted ... oh, forget it. This idea will simply never catch on. Nor will the idea that a normal diet includes anything but bread with meat or cheese, chicken and rice, and bread and jam ever make the headlines. As a figure-conscious woman, you may replace the bread meals with drinkable yogurt, and the lunchtime chicken and rice with the highly nutritious tuna and iceberg lettuce. But this diet does not contribute to the likelihood of getting sick. Wet hair, fruit, not wearing a scarf? These are the real culprits.

On the other hand, the study of physics indicates that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. And in the land of constant naysaying, of any possible excess or failure to act causing illness, there is also a plethora of home remedies. To learn about these, simply go out in public with a sore throat, a stuffy nose, the ubiquitous sinus infection or a tummy ache. You are sure to get legions of advice from every grandmother, mother, and future grandmother or mother you encounter on the street.

When I first got here, I listened to the home remedies with a raised eyebrow, which in my culture, connotes doubt. I couldn't put stock in crazy invented stories from people who believe that eating fruit at night will make you sick. But then my first cold struck. And I was desperate to get better soon. As there is neither Chloraseptic nor Sudafed on the market here, I took desperate measures. I drank teas and tisanes of every herby description, things with promising names like boldo, and bailahuén. Then I started on hot lemonade with honey. But not just any honey. Honey from bees that pollinate Ulmo. Then came the bee spit. I regarded propolis very suspiciously, as you should with any product that is made partially of another creature's saliva. How this is collected I do not know, and I do not ask. I just hope they don't pass around a spittoon and ask the bees to contribute. But it works. Tastes a little bit like death, but kills the critters that your body can't. I was convinced. They may not have a clue what really makes you sick, but Chileans know how to get you well. This is great, I thought. It may not be matzoh-ball soup and lime jello, but hey, it works.

Then I heard about the nutmeg cure. Apparently, a sanded-down nutmeg seed worn around the neck against the bare skin will alleviate hay fever symptoms. To me, it mainly sounds like a good way to attract vampires. I've never seen it recommended in the New York Times or on BBC news. But is that a good enough reason to doubt centuries of folk remedies? How many things do I believe blindly because I read them somewhere? Do I know the people who write for the NY Times Science section? Do they know about propolis?

So as spring comes into view and the various tree pollens begin blowing about, and my hay fever rises to previously unseen levels that leave me allergic even to the hops in microbrewed beer, I am faced with a dilemma. I can suffer, which proved unpopular and made me scratch my eyes nearly out of my head two years ago, take OTC medication which will make me groggy, or consider yet another folk remedy. Given these options, the choice is clear. Excuse me while I run off to procure the following three things: nutmeg, sandpaper and a necklace-length piece of string. If the National Enquirer calls while I'm out, tell them I've got a lead on a story.