What's Love Got to Do with It?

by R. Kim Gongre

I guess most everyone around my age has probably heard the pop standard recorded by Tina Turner way back in the 80s. Both the decade and the song seemed to reflect a generation experiencing the unconscious early stages of a deep dissatisfaction. Some might think that the singer is dissatisfied with love itself, but I think it goes far deeper than that.

What's love got to do with it?
What's love but a sweet old-fashioned notion?

If you have ever heard the song, you might, as I did, detect anger, resentment, and ultimately resignation to the idea that love might just be nothing more than a sweet old-fashioned notion. Things have changed in this modern world, but what, exactly? Much depends on what we think the "notion" was to begin with. Many people would describe a model for love wherein our individual participation was largely defined by accepted gender roles. As our roles have evolved, it has become increasingly difficult for many of us to operate within a belief system that hasn't kept pace with said evolution. The conflict this creates has led many people to view love and relationships through a filter of fear.

The moment we open our minds to the possibility that the way we express love just may be "old-fashioned" and in need of a different perspective, we immediately run into our fear of change and the unknown. We are tempted to retreat to the familiarity of that which we "think" we know, whether or not it serves our true happiness. Fear of the unknown, where all manner of terrible outcomes may be lurking, has a powerful hold on us. It is our reluctance to acknowledge and examine our fears that makes so many of us feel as though we're wallflowers in the party of life.

The ego is in the driver's seat, with a full tank of fear-based beliefs, and it refuses to heed the Soul's advice and take the next exit off the old familiar loop. The Soul in its eternal nature waits patiently. The ego in its mortality is impatiently racing around in circles and plastering "ain't skeered" and "Fear this" stickers on its windshield.

What's love got to do with it?
What's love but a second hand emotion?

Is love a second hand emotion?

The first thing to consider here is that anything we attempt to define is to each individual exactly what she believes it to be. My belief that it may be otherwise does not alter the personal reality of another. So, if you can relate to the statement that "love is a second-hand emotion," you first have to admit it to yourself. What then would be the first-hand emotion? The honest answer, most of the time, is fear.

If you have the courage, observe yourself for even just thirty minutes as you interact with your life. Notice how many of your feelings can be traced directly to fear--assuming you are willing to admit that you have any fears. Try this experiment sometime: ask a person what she is afraid of. The answer to the question can reveal just how much fear she has and how deep her denial of it runs. The person who angrily responds, "I am not afraid of anything" fears your seeing her fear and, even more important, fears facing it herself. The ego is driving around in circles again.

The ego makes it difficult for us to see our fear as an amotion that we can change or use to our advantage. When we identify the ego as who we are--our essential self--we fear. If the ego were truly who we are, that would make practical good sense. The ego as sole identity would indeed have much to fear. But we are not the ego alone, although the belief that we are makes it all the more difficult for our soul to take its rightful place as the director of the show.

Our belief that we are our ego, our mind, and our body alone is the reason so many of us lead lives of quiet and not-so-quiet desperation. We never really find and sustain joy, hope and peace, as these belong to the realm of the Soul. The ego, the mind, and the body are important tools, gifts really, in order that our Soul may navigate the physical plane, but unfortunately many of us mistake the hammer, the level and the saw for the house.

The Author

Kim is a freelance writer, web designer and Transition Counelor assisting others to identify and transition out of fear based belief systems. After leaving metropolitan Houston and the corporate world behind, Kim now resides in the beautiful Smoky Mountains of East Tennessee with her partner and animal family.