Aren't you lucky?
My boys were running ahead of us as we made our way through the forest. They were shouting happily, skipping and hopping, and dashing off into the bushes now and then to pick the wild raspberries that grew along the path. My husband and I followed them, accompanied by our friend and his two-year-old daughter. We were chit-chatting about this and that when we came to a lull in the conversation, and, as parents are wont to do, we all let our attention fall on the children frolicking ahead of us.
"Wow," our friend remarked, "Don't your boys ever fight?"
"Umm, well, no not really," I replied. It was a question I had heard before.
"Well, that must be unusual. I mean, especially being boys and all," he said.
Hmm, I thought, really? But I kept quiet for a minute, giving our friend a chance to continue.
"Just knowing how siblings fight is one of the reasons we don't want more than one child," he explained. "You must be really lucky to have two who actually get along."
Now it was my turn to say, "Wow," partly because I didn't know they wanted only one child because they were afraid of sibling rivalry and partly because I had yet again heard the comment that my husband and I were "lucky" to have such loving boys. But before I could formulate a thoughtful response, the walk came to an end and all three children were anxious to get to the playground in front of our friend's apartment building.
A few hours later, dinner eaten and the dishes done, we were sitting on our friend's garden porch, while my boys alternately played tag with the little girl and pushed her on the swing. She was delighted with the attention of two big boys. They, in turn, despite their advanced ages of 6 and 7, were equally delighted to follow her around and amuse her. A win-win situation.
About this time, our friend piped up again:
"Boy, it sure is unusual to have two boys who are so nice with small children!"
"Well," came my inadequate reply, "they certainly are nice boys."
What a poor answer! I thought about this all the way home that night, why I didn't stop and call our friend on what basically amounts to an unfair stereotype of young boys as nothing more than hoodlums in the making. I knew our friend meant well and I really did know that he was offering praise about the good behavior of our boys, but that night all I could think about is why should it be unusual for boys to be good? Why do so many people assume that all boys, say between the ages of 6 and 10, do nothing but fight with their brothers, throw rocks at their neighbors' windows, and pull their sisters' hair? This friend of ours was not the first to make such comments. Why should bad boys be the norm and good boys the odd ones?
Sure, as a former preschool teacher, I know that there is some truth to "boys will be boys" and "girls will be girls." I have seen plenty of boys turn doll buggies into dump trucks and girls turn sticks into babies. I just don't know if the biological tendencies also mean that boys are made of snakes and snails and puppy dogs' tails (yuck!) while girls get to be made of sugar and spice and everything nice (yum!). Do boys have to be bad to be normal? I have pondered why this seems to be the popularly held belief. Being a boy-mama with a good nine years of mothering under my belt, I have my theories, of course.
The first inkling a new boy-mama gets about what the world will expect of her son is when she walks into a department store and has a look a the clothing for boys versus the clothing for girls. For the very smallest baby boys, a few cute teddy bears might be found, but after only a few months, the boy clothes all have sports equipment, monster trucks, flashy cars, wild animals or tough logos. The colors tend to be blue, green, black, or brown and usually on the dark side. My boys are now 7 and 9 years old and finding neutral clothes for them has become one of my favorite challenges of motherhood. They do exist, but few and far between. When I recently wanted to buy a pair of sturdy fall shoes for my boys, everything I could find had either a sports logo, a brash cartoon figure, a sinister-looking Super Hero, or a bit of military colors on it. A plain pair of leather shoes could not be found. Likewise, I had to go to five stores before I could find simple, striped socks for my son.
If you don't think the clothing for boys is depressing, just have a look at the toys marketed to boys. At the one big toy store in our city, I almost sense a shimmer as I walk through the pink aisles full of Barbie dolls, plastic pastel kitchen sets, and satiny princess dress-up clothes. Then I turn into the aisle with the boy toys. I almost need a flashlight to make my way through the dark aisles filled with Harry Potter Legos, jungle safari hunter kits, and scary dress-up clothes (pirate, Darth Vader or cowboy with a gun--your choice).
Yes, I know I can go against the grain and buy my boys that bright kitchenette with the matching doll high chair. I do buy them neutral clothing and they have had dolls, kitchenware, and sewing kits. But really, it isn't just about what I buy for them or how I guide them--it is about what society expects of boys. Boys (and girls for that matter) learn very early about what is expected of them by simply having a look around and listening. Unfortunately, what is expected of boys is usually simply unfair. Boys can just as easily as girls be loving, kind and calm. I know. I have two boys just like that. How did they get to be so nice? Probably a lot of reasons: We don't watch violent films or cartoons. I encourage their friendships with girls as well as boys. I let them cry and I let them cuddle. No one hits in our family. And a thousand other small things since they were born ... but which of these has been most important in shaping them into gentle boys? I can't really say.
I do know that my boys hear comments like the ones from our friend all too often. They hear that they are odd for being so nice to small children and that they are unusual for not fighting with each other. I feel like it is a constant battle between what society expects and who my boys have become, through nature and nurture. Despite this, they manage to stay loving, sweet boys. Yes, I certainly am lucky!