True Love Means Never Having To Say I'm Sorry I Ate That.

by Susan Griffin

A little over a year ago I started a new "diet." I called it the "Eat What You Want" diet at first and later shortened it to "Eat Whatcha Want" so that it could have the acronym of EWW. The rules of this diet are simple, and it has really helped me get past my problems with my excess weight. The rules are as follows: When I am hungry, I eat. I do not deprive myself of anything, thereby quelling the deprivation downward spiral.

I started this new approach to my eating habits because I had several theories and opinions about food and about my body and how I loved and loathed both of them. And while I have enjoyed my freedom from rules and regulations about eating, I am not endorsing this as any kind of actual diet. I came up with this idea in frustration over my constant lose weight/gain weight cycle. And while I cannot advise anyone else on their personal eating plan, I still find these theories are valid for me. Here they are:

1. I find that when I eat the food I want, I don't have to eat as much to be satisfied. I am not trying to fulfill my disappointment when I just let myself eat what I want, only my hunger.
2. "Diets" are a myth anyway. We always think, "Once I lose all this weight I am going to have pizza and burgers and donuts and cheesecake! It's gonna be great!" The fact is that in order to maintain goal weight we have to continue to eat the healthy crap that helped us lose the weight. The original meaning of "diet" wasn't a temporary change in our food plan; it was our food plan.
3. One of the most important aspects of the "Eat Whatcha Want" diet is that there's no guilt involved. If I choose to have candy and ice cream in addition to dinner, I'm gonna buddy up on that crap like nobody's business. And then I am going to fall asleep in a post-binge glow of dairy and sugary goodness. And I am not going to feel bad about it. Because hopefully one day I won't feel like I have to compensate for my unsatisfying meals with all this junk. Because I will not have deprived myself in the first place...
4. With all the free time I can start a moderate exercise plan. Since I won't have to feel bad about what I am eating or scheme to get the food I really want, I will be able to fit in some exercise to my lifestyle again with regularity. I was seriously obsessing so much about food and my body that the anxiety caused me to seize up, paralyzed with lethargy and misery for hours.
5. I know what foods are good for me. And I will eat them most of the time. I will not count calories, figure points, watch my portions, pee on a litmus stick, put my body in ketosis, weigh my meals, or do otherwise obsessive things with my food. I might make it look like a smiley face on my plate if possible, but that's as far as I'll go.
6. I will feel good about myself. My husband, Jesse, brought up a wonderful point to me once when we were discussing my self-image and (lack of) self-esteem. I was really frustrated because everything was going really great for me but I was still feeling miserable. He suggested that because I don't see myself as the kind of person who deserves happiness, I sabotage myself by keeping the weight on. My binges reinforce this idea of unworthiness. I sabotage my chances at happiness by keeping my (over)weight a central issue. It's always been my "misery security blanket" because I always have my fat to fall back on if I start feeling too pleased with myself. (Just to clarify any possibility of misinterpretation: Please don't think that Jesse EVER says disparaging things about me. He was in no way criticizing my weight but only lamenting my lack of self-esteem. His one wish for me is that one day I will love myself as much as he loves me. Dang, I love that Man of Mine!)

When I wrote those six goals a year ago, I really just wanted to begin a slow transformation in my eating habits. I have been on one diet or another for most of my life and figured that, since I wasn't thin yet, it was time to try something completely different. My goal was not to lose weight. My goals were to stop feeling deprived about food, to stop hating myself for the food choices I made (good or bad), and to stop constantly losing and gaining weight. I couldn't stand going up and down the scales anymore. If I wanted to do that, I would have become an opera singer!

And while I haven't really lost weight over the past year, I haven't gained any, either. I got married and moved to a new town during this time and, yes, sometimes I ate too much because I was stressed out. The thing is, I allowed myself to do that without second-guessing myself. I didn't beat myself up over the second helpings. And I gradually forgot to sneak disparaging looks in the mirror whenever I passed one. I started really owning up to who I am, the state of my body, and the fact that I am overweight. I started looking into the mirror and seeing a woman who has been on her own most of her life and is doing the best she can. I forgave myself for hating my body for so long. I acknowledged how lucky I am and how much I deserve all the good things that are happening to me.

I love a fat woman. And she is me!

Will I eventually lose any weight on my EWW plan? Thankfully, for the first time in my life, I don't care. All I have is the person I am right now. I am not the person who might be able to fit into those pants if I lose another five pounds. I am not someone who might be worthy of love and respect if only I could shop in the Misses section instead of in the Women's section at the clothing store. I am not going to be any more or less of who I already am by spending all my time figuring out what I can and can't eat. Food is fuel. I don't stand at the gas station pump agonizing for days about whether to get Mid-Grade or Premium. I refuse to do that over a slice of bread!

I am not looking at this plan as a quick fix. It probably took the idea of the world being round instead of flat some time to catch on; I am allowing myself plenty of time to warm up to the idea that I am worthy and capable no matter what I eat or what the scales say. I do not have to report my status to anyone unless I choose to do so. I am slowly beginning to realize the potential I possess when I am not obsessively encumbered by a negative belief system about myself and my relationship with food. And I am realizing one greater truth: Self-acceptance is attractive no matter how a person looks physically.