Carbon Copy

by Susan Griffin

You know, I am really glad that there aren't human clones yet.

At least I don't think there are. I know some small groups of people have claimed as much, but I think seeing is believing.

This occurred to me while I was brainstorming ideas for my "Joyful Girl" column. It seems like science fiction, but it is highly likely that someday, hopefully in the distant future, people may have to compete to be the best, well, THEM. Think about it: Right now, I am the best Susan Griffin with my DNA that there ever was. There are many other people named Susan Griffin, but I am the only one who is me, you know? The same goes for other people who have brown hair, who are left-handed, or who really like computer-animated skeletons. I may have those traits or preferences in common with lots of people, but only I have my unique DNA makeup and past history.

But what if I had a clone?

First, I would name her ME 2. But that would be about all the control I could exact over her and still be humane. I certainly wouldn't presume to be in charge of her every waking moment. And what about her needs?

What if ME 2 were sinister? I don't think I have to go too far into the "Single White Female" argument to make my point here. (I almost decided to review that movie for this issue, but decided not to dwell on the dark side of Kindred Spirits.) Nothing is creepier than when one person tries to invade every aspect of another person's life. If you haven't seen the movie, it involves an Innocent Roommate (IR) who places an ad in the paper for a roommate. What she gets is a psychotic companion who slowly tries to take over her identity. The Psychotic Roommate (PR) tries to copy every aspect of the IR's life, including trying to seduce IR's boyfriend. PR eventually tries to kill IR so that PR can become IR completely. And who is to say that clones would be any different? Might clones not want individuality as much as the real person they are patterned after? My mind shudders with the possibilities.

What if my clone were really self-confident? I mean, ME 2 might be funnier than I am. It would be so embarrassing to have a friend call me up and say, "Yeah, we are having a party this weekend. Is ME 2 free? Oh...and... I guess you could come, too. Unless you are busy..." Which, of course, I wouldn't be since my clone would be getting all the invitations. I mean, she would have the whole CLONE hook, right? How can I compete with that?!? And what if I decided I needed a day off from work and sent ME 2 in to take my place and they liked her better? I don't think I could deal with being outdone at work by my own self. I would be shattered.

What if my clone were rebellious and naughty? I can just imagine the embarrassment of living in a small town with a Crafty Clone on the loose. ME 2 could cause all kinds of problems for me. She could spray paint graffiti on walls, egg or toilet-paper houses, put sugar in gas tanks, or commit any other number of petty crimes. Of course, I would be blamed for all her transgressions; who would believe the old story of "My clone did it!"? I am sure that all the pictures of ME 2 in the paper would make me instantly infamous.

But that's not the worst that could happen.

In fact, I could probably learn to live with ME 2 in the other scenarios. If she were sinister, I would just report her to the police and have them take her back to the lab. If ME 2 surpassed me in the workplace; at least then I could play video games and write during the day. And I am sure once everyone found out that my clone really was guilty of the eggings, she would be punished accordingly.

No, the worst trait my clone could have is something that I can't even expand on because the idea is just too horrible:

What if my clone were thin?

As I said before, I am really glad that we don't have human clones yet. In fact, I hope I never have to deal with that at all.

So today, I am joyful that even though I am imperfect and flawed and easily sidetracked by shiny things, I am still the best ME there is. It kind of takes some of the pressure off, knowing that no matter how much I screw up, I am still the only one around capable of such a task. Nobody can mess stuff up quite like me. And that's just the way I prefer it, thank you very much!