Not Stupid Enough
I've talked here before about my technological impairment. When it comes to electronic gadgets, doodads, and hoatchipoes, I am battling a severe handicap. I am so inept that my VCR doesn't even get so far as steadily blinking 12:00--probably because I'm not brave enough to own one. Okay, so that doesn't quite illustrate my point, but you get the drift. If it is a technological thingy, I generally can't work it.
If by some miracle I do learn to operate a gadget, I usually attempt only the bare minium, and even then the outcome is iffy. Take the standard, common, everyday household item known as a microwave. It has a start button. I have learned in the last five years or so, that if a person, such as myself, places a cold cup of coffee into the microwave and then pushes the "5" button not once but twice and then pushes start, after fifty-five seconds said cup of coffee will be lukewarm.
I know, you're astounded at my brilliance, huh? Or perhaps you ask, why don't you heat the cup of coffee longer, Joyful Girl? Well, I don't heat it longer then fifty-five seconds because someone once told me you can explode heated water in a microwave. I've already had a few explosive incidents with microwaves, and I don't want to risk more, so now I drink lukewarm coffee instead of hot, just to be safe. You scoff--everyone does--but trust me when I say microwaves and I are a dangerous combination.
It's not just microwaves I have a problem with. You know those refrigerators with the water and ice dispensers on the front? Well, every time I use one, it breaks! I swear, something goes terribly wrong as soon as I depress my glass against the thingy hanging down that you push against. (Please note my astounding use of technical terms for the thingy hanging down.) Once, a refrigerator emptied the entire contents of its ice cube container all over me and the floor, just because I held my glass to it. Such is my life.
You know those new-fangled DVD players? They need to be re-named Death Via Destruction players, because lord have mercy, what I can do to a disc with one of those things! Game stations, TVs, digitally controlled ovens, household alarm system keypads, you name it--if it has a microchip, I am its death in heels.
So you see, I readily admit that I am stupid when it comes to anything technological. You know how whenever you get a new gadget in your life, and there are really lame instructions for it, and you wonder who is idiotic enough to need this level of basic instruction? Think of me. I swear, if the instructions don't say, "Turn it on," I won't. Then when my new whatchamacallit does not work, I call the 1-800 number and complain about their crappy product. I've discovered, though, that I haven't quite reached the depths to which stupidity can plunge.
Recently I entered into a "girly" conversation with some other women I know. Now I am not a girly-girl by nature, but last month I was present at a conversation about girly products. I felt like I should get a stupid point just for joining such a conversation. When it comes to all things girly ... well, truthfully, I am behind the power curve, BUT not as badly as I once thought. Here is my proof:
Katy: "So anyway, I got this new curling iron out of my suitcase and started to plug it in and heat it up. You know all those tags they tape to the cord ... the ones with the warnings and such?"
Tracey: "Yeah, I hate those. Every time I rip them off the cord the cord gets sticky where the tag used to be."
Me: "They have sticky adhesive tags on curling irons?"
Katy: "Yes, Cyli, and they have warnings on those tags too, which is what I am trying to tell you."
Me: "Warnings? What idiot can't figure out that a hot, cylindrical shaped piece of metal might burn them?"
Katy: "Probably the same one that the 'Warning - for external use only' label was for."
Me (with my eyes twitching and my mouth open as I realized what it was warning against): "Whhaaa...whoooo....howwww......eeeeeew!"
So there you have it, folks, the stupidest warning label ever, and finally one that I DIDN'T NEED! Like I said earlier, I am stupid about some things, but come on. If you need to be warned that a hot curling iron is for external use only and not for probing soft, internal areas--well then, did you know you CAN bake a potato in the microwave and you really don't need to poke holes in it first? Uh huh ... yep ... honest. Or not.
This month I am a joyful because I am not THAT stupid! Close, but no cigar! Life is good, folks, and I hope you each take a moment to laugh at and with yourself. If all else fails, next time you're at your microwave, remember that 5 +5 + START = lukewarm coffee, and have a little laugh at my expense!
To the anonymous reader who emailed me the Dave Mathews Band song, "Joyful Girl": Thank you. It's a beautiful song and I have to agree with the lyrics--I do it for the joy it brings! Best of wishes to you!