Work in Progress

by Jennifer Brenner

Self-acceptance? What is it? Do I even understand the concept? The definition of self-acceptance in the dictionary is: "an acceptance of yourself as you are, warts and all." Even when I was young I couldn't do that. Before I started thinking about appearance and weight, I didn't like myself because I was too shy. I always had all of these thoughts, feelings and opinions that I was ready to express but never did because I though everyone would laugh and think I was stupid. I assumed that was all part of being a kid, caring what everyone else thinks. Little did I know that I would care the rest of my life.

When I became a teenager it didn't get any easier. At 140 pounds and 5 foot 9 inches, I thought I was fat. It didn't help that my best friend was one of the most popular tall, blonde girls in school. I didn't realize then that she was popular for her out-going personality and not so much for her appearance. I came to the conclusion in high school that I gravitated toward out-going people because they were everything I wanted to be and couldn't.

I had one point in my life when I was about 19 years old that I actually liked myself. I got down to what I thought was a nice weight for my frame and felt good about myself physically. I had a really hot guy interested in me and a great job as a bartender that forced me to be more out-going. Life couldn't have been better. Then, for what I thought was love, I took back my now ex-husband after a break-up and it all went down hill from there.

I am fully convinced that if I had not married my ex, I could have saved my self-esteem. When I look back on that time in my life, I know now that he would chastise me about my looks to make me feel bad about myself so I would never leave him. Because of my history of low self-esteem, he was able to convince me that no one else would ever love me. I stayed for eight years and endured what I now realize was verbal and emotional abuse from a man who knew I was something and broke me down so he didn't have to let me go.

My self-acceptance didn't get any better during those years. I did finally leave him, but for my daughter's sake, not mine. And I am proud to say that my daughter is not shy and never talks down about herself. She is just about to turn nine and I want to do everything possible to help her love and accept herself. I don't want her to have to endure the pain, heartache and self-hatred I did.

As for me, I am still working on self-acceptance. Every time I look in the mirror I hate the way I look. Every time I say something to friends or co-workers I question whether or not I sounded like an idiot. I have to make a conscience effort to not talk to myself negatively. But I'm trying. My wonderful husband helps me every day by telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful and smart and sexy I am. It's not that I don't believe that he thinks that, but I don't believe it myself. Yet.

I am working every single day toward accepting myself, physically and mentally, as I am. I surround myself with people who seem to me to accept themselves, and to dwell on their pluses. Those people uplift me and help me to keep believing that one day I can love myself for who I am.

The Author

Jennifer is a working mother to a nine-year-old daughter and a four-year-old son. She writes for fun and this is her first shot at writing for a publication. She lives in Reno, Nevada with her husband and children, though she is a western Montana native. She returns to Big Sky country every summer on her Harley Davidson, the love of her life behind her family.