The One With the Nightmares

The nightmares started a couple months ago. At first I thought nothing of them since I'm known for my strange dreams and nightmares, but after two solid weeks of waking up with a pounding heart and a deep sense of panic in my stomach I realized something was seriously wrong.

The wrongness wasn't a big mystery. The dreams were straight-forward. Phoebe (as played by Helen Hunt) was alone in a small, dingy apartment in New York. Her friends had all moved away and she was lonely. Joey and Ross (as played by Jason Alexander and Jerry Seinfeld) were lost in separate places, searching through noisy city streets, just trying to find their way home. Monica and Chandler (as played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Paul Reiser) were miserable and alone in a big house on the coast.

The demise of Friends consumed my nights. I'd worry obsessively about what Rachel would do when everyone left her. How could Phoebe be happy without her buddies? And Joey? Poor, dear Joey. Sure, he's getting his own show, but how can he survive alone in Hollywood?

It sounds like I'm a real Friends fanatic, doesn't it? The crazy thing is I'm not! Or at least I wasn't until these nightmares started plaguing my life.

Sure, I was obsessed for a few seasons. I heaved a huge sigh of relief when Rachel finally found out Ross liked her. I cried with Rachel when he cheated on her (so what if they were on a break?). I recoiled in horror when Joey peed on Monica's legs to stop the jelly fish sting. I giggled manically when Rachel found out about Monica and Chandler and she and Phoebe beat them at their own game.

But that was all in the past. The last few years I've been among the people who cynically declare that the characters have become caricatures and the show just isn't funny anymore. I'm annoyed by Monica and her crazy compulsions. Ross needs to hang himself. Phoebe's getting too old to be such a goof ball.

Until I moved to Sweden in 2001 and had a very limited selection of English shows, I hadn't seen Friends regularly for years. So why the nightmares and panic attacks?

I guess that's what happens at the end of an era. I remember when the show first started and the network tried to let everyone know that Friends was a very different entity than Ellen's These Friend's of Mine. The message didn't quite sink in, so I wasn't even going to watch the premiere but some girls in my dorm lounge took over the TV and made us watch it.

It didn't take long to hook me. I was in love with Joey and adored Phoebe. I didn't quite understand why their jobs were a joke or their love lives were D.O.A., though I can totally relate now. I just want to know how they afforded such big apartments in New York City.

Back in those days Must See TV was truly Must See. I arranged my classes to make sure I could watch the show every week. My answering machine message was sung to the tune of "Smelly Cat." My friends and I had a super-bowl party that focused more on the super-long episode of Friends after the game than the game itself. Who cares about football when you have Brooke Shields stalking Joey and Julia Roberts humiliating Chandler?

Realizing that the Friends aren't going to be there for me any more has sent me into some sort of crazed panic. When ads pop up on the computer screen offering me the season six DVD collection it's all I can do to not place my order. The other day at an outlet store I found two tapes of the best episodes. I slipped them in the basket before my husband knew what was happening and watched them the second I got home.

My obsession isn't actually about Friends. It's about the end of my innocence and the beginning of my adult life. It's about the end of a show that's been in the background of my life. It seems like Rachel and the gang have been around for most of my life. What am I going to watch when they are gone?