Satisfaction

Why is it that no matter what I've achieved in life, I always want just a little bit more? I don't need more--I know the difference between needs and wants. I want more.

At one time, I thought money was the problem. Having grown accustomed to never having enough of the stuff, I figured once I had a job that paid a decent salary and in some small way benefited mankind rather than contributed to its devastation I would be satisfied. Well, last year I found a "good" job and it paid me a reasonable wage. So what did I do? I quit. Why? Because I wanted more.

When I say "more," I am not even sure myself what I mean. Sometimes it's friends. Other times, it's the latest technology. It could be anything ranging from time, transportation, or my living situation to my eating habits or my health. Regardless, there is always something lingering and teasing, slightly beyond my grasp. If I'm going out regularly, I wonder if I should be resting more. If I'm spending time by myself, I wonder if I'm missing out on a lively social scene. When I could finally afford a new bike, I felt a bit sad that it wasn't a car. Yes, I was elated to have a new bike, but in the back of my mind I could still hear a child whining for a big, funky pick-up truck.

So, well aware of and willing to admit to my self-indulgent habit of never feeling totally satisfied, I naturally ask myself, "Why?" When every reasonable part of me knows that compared to the majority of my global peers, I am already pretty darned privileged, why do I still feel the need to pursue the unknown? Is it just that I'm a spoiled brat, that my parents gave me everything when I was younger so now I expect to get whatever I want all the time? Or is it because I'm a woman and, therefore, never feel good enough? Or could it be that I am a typical Libra and don't even know what I want? Or has our capitalist, consumerism-driven society brainwashed me to buy, buy, buy, overwhelming me with junk, guilt and greed so that I never question the skeletons in my, yours or anybody else's governments' closets?

Well, after many nights of journal chicken-scratching, tarot cards, deep discussions with friends, solo analysis, and self-therapeutic singing on the beach, I'm sorry to say that I have no answer. All of the above may be true... or false. I know, not very insightful. You must feel disappointed, almost as if... you want more.

I did come up with one insight. When I don't feel the need to succeed or better myself, I am overwhelmed by another feeling--boredom. Imagine for a moment that you actually have everything you've always wanted in life. In still-picture format, the setting is perfect: a nice house on a tropical island, a wonderful husband, the money to go anywhere you wish on any whim. But imagine day to day, minute to minute, after you've had all the massages, haircuts, and poolside afternoons that you can handle. Then what? Could you really fill your schedule with lunch after lunch with other people who have the luxury of not working? Neither of you would have anything to talk about because neither of you would be doing anything! Your lives would be empty of challenges, heartaches and unfulfilled dreams to discuss, ponder, and on which to advise.

Humans connect and relate most deeply through sympathy and empathy in times of struggle. If life were too easy and you already had everything you ever wanted, it would be hard to connect with others so far removed from your reality. So what's the moral of the story? That it's natural to strive for greener grass and it's good for you too. It's part of life. It's part of the survival of the fittest.

At least that's what I told myself when my friend told me that she might inherit $100,000 from her grandmother...