All My Careful Plans

by Marian Klatt

I hate to sound like one of those vapid starlets who try to make religions trendy by wearing trinkets of belief on their too-skinny wrists, but I truly respect the precepts of Buddhism. Every time I make a serious attempt to incorporate Buddhist concepts such as meditation and mindfulness into my life, peace becomes something I expect, not something I'm surprised by.

One of the big concepts is letting go of attachment to desire. It sounds like such a frightening idea. What is life without wanting, without the glory of anticipation? It turns out not so much to be giving up desire itself, as giving up the attachment to desire. When we get fixated on the future of having something, or someone, we become vulnerable. We might lose touch with reality, or merely get ourselves so worked up that we can't focus on anything.

I was practicing mindfulness while in the process of falling in love with my current boyfriend, Micah. It turned out I was perfectly capable of falling in love while being grounded in the present moment, without being attached to outcome. I learned I could observe my emotions and feel them deeply, as they ebbed and flowed throughout my days--but not allow them to become the be-all and end-all.

Many of our mistakes in love come from getting hooked on the highs that come with it, and expecting to feel that way all the time. When they fade, as they naturally do, we start getting anxious. However, by being present with the everyday fade-outs of intense emotion, I was able to see how this new relationship fit into my life, instead of trying to mold my life to fit the new relationship.

One of my current challenges for mindfulness is our upcoming trip. Micah and I have been camping twice before. Both times were lovely retreats into the mountains, with long hikes followed by long periods of sitting around doing nothing. With the recent death of a friend, money stress, and what feels like a never-ending to-do list, I'm really looking forward to getting away for the weekend.

I am a bit too attached to how I want things to go. We are visiting a campground by a lake, and I've been imagining the usual evenings by a campfire, long day hikes, and hours spent by the lake reading books--which is all very well and good. My practice is not above indulging in a daydream or two.

However, I can tell I've become too attached to outcome, because I'm getting nervous about shifting plans. The weather report calls for rain, including thunderstorms, all weekend. The idea of pitching a tent in inclement weather and going for long water-drenched hikes is not nearly as pleasant as my daydreams. Also, I received a letter yesterday from Virginia State Parks announcing open-air fires are banned in our campground due to dry conditions. This seems the ultimate irony, considering my concern about the soaked weather forecast.

I was feeling down about this last night, and Micah called my expression an "all-my-careful-plans face." I thought that was the perfect phrase for it, and it was also the perfect phrase to kick me out of the doldrums. What is life, if not a continual lesson that no matter how carefully we plan, things will never turn out quite as we expected?

Ultimately, I don't think I'd want it any other way. So I'll have a deep breath, and take life as it comes. Who knows? If it turns out we have to pack up early, maybe I'll end up writing a guidebook about Appomattox hotels and restaurants. Either way is good.