The Thinnest Line

by Carrie Pålsson

"If we're going to pursue a relationship there's something you need to know. I'm never having children. Ever."

I was only 25, but after several years of teaching high school and dealing with an out-of-control younger sister, I had no desire to go down the path of motherhood. I had visions of screaming babies, poopy diapers, whiny toddlers and sullen teenagers. I wanted no part of any of that. I'm selfish by nature and knew that having children is all about sacrifice. I couldn't imagine why anyone would voluntarily put herself in that position.

My future husband, on the other hand, dreamed of a family. "Never?" he asked with an amused smirk.

"Never." I confirmed with unfaltering conviction.

That was the end of the conversation, but I knew he didn't quite believe me. I knew he would try to work me over to his side, but I didn't feel guilty that I couldn't give him what he wanted. I was honest about my intentions. That's the most he could ask of me.

Three years later my sister had her first child. I held that warm, trusting little body and suddenly it all made sense. I didn't want a child. I needed a child. My nephew's newly formed body was the sweetest thing I'd ever seen and his yowling little cries broke my heart.

"We're having a baby," I announced as soon as we got in the car and out of earshot of my mother.

My husband was stunned.

"You're pregnant?"

"No, but I'm going to be soon. I neeeeeeed a baby."

He didn't gloat or let loose with a barrage of "I told you so's." Instead he smiled a smile of profound satisfaction and said he couldn't wait to be a father.

I'm a researcher by nature so as soon as we got home I consulted the Internet and learned everything I needed to know to become pregnant. I was already familiar with the rhythm method thanks to an excellent education in a liberal school district, so there really wasn't too much more to learn. Insert Tab A into slot B when the time is ripe and you have a one in four chance of making a baby.

I dived into the baby-making process with gusto and was sure we'd meet with immediate success.

Five days before my next period was due I scoped out pregnancy tests and noticed some of them could give results up to five days before a missed period. Despite all my research on fertility, I had done zero research on how pregnancy tests work, so I did a little joyous jump and bought three boxes.

I rushed home, guzzled a huge glass of water and waited very impatiently for the results of the first test.

Now it was my turn to be stunned.

There it was.

A fine line, so faint it was almost invisible.

Elation and terror washed over me in equal parts.

The line was so fine that I almost thought I was imagining it, but I'd taken emergency pregnancy tests before and had never seen a phantom line.

I immediately consulted my cadre of Internet buddies, who all assured me that if I could see a line, no matter how faint, I was indeed pregnant.

I trusted my Internet buddies, but I still couldn't believe that I wasn't imagining the whole thing. As soon as the pink line appeared my breasts were suddenly sore and I could barely control my nausea. For the first time in my life I called a product help line and begged the nice lady on the end of the pregnancy line to give me some insight into the exact nature of a thin line.

Pregnant. Without question.

I trusted the nice pregnancy lady, but what can an anonymous pregnancy operator know?

I made an appointment with a midwife and was seen immediately. I wanted an official test right then and there but my need for instant gratification wasn't met. The midwife explained that any line on the test, no matter how weak, meant I was pregnant and congratulated me heartily.

Finally, someone I trusted had given me the green light. Despite my husband's caution, I dragged him to the nearest bookstore and purchased a library of pregnancy books. I was having a baby!

And then it all came crashing down around my head. There was spotting. Then there was a four-days-late period that was more painful than any period I'd experienced before. I used one of my extra pregnancy tests and couldn't force a line to appear, not with all the prayers in the world. I rushed to the store and bought three different kinds of tests, sure one of them would give me back my sanity.

Nope. It was over. The line was gone. My baby was gone. I drove myself crazy wondering if my baby had ever even existed at all.

Blankness took over my soul. All my hope had been pinned on that fine line and now it was gone.

The author is now the very happy mother of a one-year old son, after struggling through two miscarriages.