What If?

by Carrie Pålsson

J. Rubi was a wild child. Her brother died when she was just nine years old, leaving a little girl in a family that couldn't deal with grief. Rubi thought should she have died too, but she didn't. Instead, she kept living, an invisible presence in her family. She begged for love, a true, endless love, but she didn't receive it.

Like many people in this situation, she grew hard. She had a rage inside that was burning her alive. She lived wild and fast, losing her virginity at the tender age of 15. Rubi's life was on a collision course with disaster.

Then it happened. There were two pink lines in the window. She was 17 and pregnant, a horror story that plays out every day in our high schools.

That's when Rubi became feisty. She wasn't going to let her child grow up to be hard and bitter. She wasn't going to let her child fall through the cracks. She wasn't going to let her child feel the rage that burned inside her.

With very little family support and strong opposition from her high school, Rubi decided she was going to make something better for herself. She was going to get an education no matter what.

Here's the story of one woman's determination to make a change. It's been eight years of hard work and dedication, but Rubi is doing what no one thought possible--she's putting herself through school with an eye on a Ph.D. in either clinical psychology or neuroscience.

MM=Mosaic Minds
JR=J. Rubi

MM: How did your family react when you told them you were pregnant? Did you get any support from them or did they view you with shame?

JR: I actually didn't tell my family. I didn't want anything to anger me. I wanted to have my baby--being pregnant gave me a sense of life and not just cold blinding hatred.

MM: How did you manage to stay in school? What kind of treatment did you get from the school?

JR: I went to my counselor. I had a job and I had an apartment so I just wanted to know if I could still go to college. She didn't even look at me, just told me that I had to leave to another school so I could "learn" how to be a mother. This counselor had a newborn in her office a week before when she told me this. I asked about my honors and she said I couldn't walk across the stand with a belly. So, I sought information and I graduated early, which earned me a scholarship of one thousand dollars.

I started community college while I was still pregnant. I'll never forget the woman in my intro psychology class that called me a whore in front of everyone.

MM: After your baby was born how did your life change?

JR: The day I heard my baby's heart beating inside of me was the ultimate change. I could only think of what was best for the baby. I was still alone and I didn't go to my family. I didn't want to hear it from them. I knew they wouldn't help me and I wasn't about to ask. I had saved up enough money to last me for about five months after Emily was born (I breastfed during that time). Emily's father tried to live with me for a bit but that was the biggest mistake of my life. In the end, I had to swallow my pride, although I still was filled with unending amounts of rage toward my mother. I swallowed it all, everything. I moved back with my mother on the condition that I work full-time and pay her what I was paying in rent. I gave her the remaining money I had saved, took a job as a waitress working graveyard and I kept on attending night school.

MM: You've been working hard for years to get your education. What kinds of jobs have you done to make ends meet? How many hours a week do you spend on school work?

JR: I was initially taking only night classes -- two at the most, usually basics. I'd go to class and then go to work. Working graveyard at Village Inn isn't the best way to make money but it was better than nothing. I applied for all the scholarships I could and was lucky enough to get by on that. Towards the end of my waitressing job it was getting to be a bad environment. It seemed like people were taking cocaine in obscene amounts, so I quit. I had enough money to hold me through for three months and I was able to land a job at the community college as a part time clerk. My daughter was 3 1/2 then, so I started her in daycare. I dearly wanted and still want her to be everything I'm not. I was always horrible at socializing and daycare helped her a lot with that. I even cried the first time I took her to the park and she just merged in with the crowd. I have never been able to do that.

MM: What are your long-term goals in terms of your education? How are you reaching those goals?

JR: At the moment I'm aiming for a doctoral degree in either clinical psychology or neuroscience. I've been fortunate to be selected for multiple research programs which provide monthly stipends and cover basic tuition costs. The program I've been in the last year also covers travel and research supplies and even pays me more then I ever made as a waitress. I lead a modest life, with most of my money being spent on my little lady. She can never have too many crayons!

MM: I'm sure it has not been an easy road. What is the most difficult thing you've had to overcome?

JR: The most difficult thing for me was the fights I would have with my mother about her personal life. She has kept on with her multiple relationships with married men. I would not allow that lifestyle to be displayed in front of my daughter. My mother would not listen, so as a last resort I confronted her so-called "boyfriends." I asked them to have respect and they never stepped into the house again. I think they were afraid I'd tell their wives.

MM: What makes you keep striving for the best instead of giving up like so many other young mothers have done?

JR: Like I said, I want my daughter to be better than me. That means making myself better. I need to respect myself and have others respect me. I need to love myself. I need to strive for what I want no matter what it takes. I work hard so I'll get it eventually. How can I expect it of her if I don't do it first? I want her to have everything in her grasp. I never want her to feel the way I have. I want her to stand on the mountain and pick her direction instead of having to fight her way through shrubs, endure injuries and not know what is before her. I want her to dream of a life and I never want her to ask god why she lives.

MM: What important lessons do you hope to teach your daughter?

JR: I'm not sure about lessons. I hope she will make her own mistakes and learn from them. Mostly I want her to know that no matter what happens you can have whatever you want. BUT you have to work hard for it even when it seems impossible. If you work hard and be honest about it the things you want will find their way to you.

MM: Who or what inspires you?

JR: My grandmother's oldest sister. She comes from extreme levels of poverty. People have been truly horrible to her but she still forgives and loves. She is the most unselfish person I have ever known. She is my model for life as a woman and as a mother.