In Praise of Dependence

by Victoria Musgrave

My independence was something I'd always taken for granted. It never occurred to me that there might be a time when I'd need to rely on others to help me with the daily business of life. I enjoyed my self-sufficiency. I lived on my own and relished being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. I loved being able to come home and not have to explain to anyone where I'd been or what I'd been doing. I could leave dirty dishes in the sink or eat ice cream straight out of the carton and there was no one around to complain.

Then, over a year ago I began to suffer severe pain and weakness in my legs and back. My once-active lifestyle came to a grinding halt. Suddenly, every aspect of my daily life became a struggle. Even going to the grocery store was a painful ordeal. My life became very small. Every activity had to be evaluated—is it worth the pain?

It was depressing and devastating. I didn't realize how much my self-esteem depended on my ability to walk, use my body and live on my own with little help from anyone. I felt like my whole life was being taken away from me.

I struggled in silence until my friends and family began to notice. They stepped in and began doing my grocery shopping and laundry for me. They all wanted to know why I hadn't asked for their help. The answer was that I didn't want to admit that I couldn't do it all on my own and thought asking for help was being weak, giving in to the pain. This was nonsense, of course, and I had to learn to let people into my life for my own health.

Major back surgery was the only way to end the pain. After the surgery, I remained in the hospital for a week. For the whole time I didn't have to worry about all the normal concerns of life. Food and medication were brought to me. Laundry and housecleaning were someone else's problems. I was surprised how content I was to be dependent on other people. When it was time to go, I had mixed feelings. I was happy to be going home (and free from hospital food), but also sad to be leaving behind a great bunch of nurses who had cared for and cared about me. It was hard to leave the safety of the hospital.

After the surgery, I spent some time recuperating at my mother's house. I hadn't lived at home since I was nineteen years old. My stepfather was actually overjoyed to have me staying with them. He went out of his way to buy my favorite foods and make sure I was comfortable. My mother happily served me dinner in bed, brought me my pain pills and changed the dressing on my incision. I have to admit it felt wonderful to have my parents take care of me and be wrapped in their love.

After two months, I was finally able to return to my own home and slowly returned to my old way of life. Once again, I'm able to look after myself and do my own shopping. I can also go for a walk for the sheer pleasure of it and not be in pain. My year of debilitating pain and surgery reminded me independence is not something that should be taken for granted. A sudden accident or illness could find anyone suddenly needing to depend on others.

I also learned that dependence is not always a bad thing. During my period of dependence I learned how important my friends and family are to me. They stepped in and offered to help, even when I didn't ask. And at first I often didn't ask, but struggled until someone came along to help me without saying a word. I discovered that most people are very happy to do this. They are wonderfully giving of their time and are motivated only by love and kindness.

Most important, I realized how deeply connected I am to other people, even when I don't have to depend on them for the basics of life. I cherish the strengthened relationships I've developed with my friends and family and hope that these bonds will last for many years to come.

The Author

Victoria Musgrave is a thirty-something woman who is constantly seeking enough time to write fiction, poetry and personal essays. She has had several works published in literary journals and newspapers in the United States and her native Canada. She currently lives in Toronto.